I didn't fall off the face of the earth. I've just been unplugged. This year it has hit me pretty hard - it's seasonal depression. I wasn't officially diagnosed, I've diagnosed myself. I am tired of the cold, tired of the snow, tired of the icy rain, tired of not having the sun shine through the big bay window all the time, tired of having the lights on during the day time, tired of seeing the mounds of grey dirty icky snow piled up at the end of people's drive ways, etc etc etc.
Top that all off with my current physical condition. I am struggling with the state of my body right now. I am sore. I hurt. I ache. It's been 4 weeks of going to laser therapy and now we've even tossed in the infrared sauna. I don't feel better. I might even feel worse. My hips hurt to walk, shift my weight, go up/down stairs and bend. My upper back hurts to move my arms. My chest hurts when I'm laying down and if one of the kids pushes up on it. Now I'm wishing it had been kidney stones like that idiot doctor thought it was!
It's hard to explain over and over again how I feel. I lay in bed in the morning and have thoughts that I'm back in my "old" body. That I can just get up and scoot to the bathroom, kitchen and down the stairs. That I can just jump up and welcome the new day! That I can curl over on my side and cuddle up to which ever little body has managed to find themselves in my bed and under my covers.
Truth is - I cant even take a deep breath in without fearing an entire body spasm that is painful from shoulders to toes. It feels like it takes for-EV-er to push the covers off just so I can start the descent from my bed. The bad news is I chance a full body muscle spasm - good news is if I have one I can try to just power through it so I negate another one from trying to get up. Either way - IT SUCKS!
I've cried twice now at the doctor's office when he asks me how am I doing. I feel like a whimp. I feel defeated. I hate putting this time (and money) towards something and not feeling like the old me yet. (Have I mentioned I have the tendency to be impatient?)
I don't get it. I'm young. I'm 5'5" and 120lbs. I eat healthy. We cut back on red meats almost four years ago - although we still enjoy burgers and steaks every now and then but not as much. I drink water throughout the day - there's no soda pop in this house. Before all this started I went on walks daily with the family, danced with the kiddos around the house, etc. I was very active.
I'll keep going on my laser therapy. I was given an 8 week program. The doctor seems confident that this will work and I'll start to feel better. I'm nervous because we're half way and it doesn't feel like there's been any difference. I'll refuel my efforts to think positive even though now it may feel fake and forced - after months of trying that mantra and eventually part of that glittering hope dies down BUT I will push forward because I want to be better for me, for my Hubs and for my kids.
So today as it's raining icy rain, I'm looking at dirty grey icky snow mounds at the end of the neighbor's driveway and my toes are "fah-reezing" in two pairs of socks, I'm going to push forward even though I feel blah.